


Bumps in the Road

by shelteredbyshadow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 13:03:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10491513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shelteredbyshadow/pseuds/shelteredbyshadow
Summary: Au-modern setting where Clarke and Lexa meet and fall in love. But, Lexa has spent most of her life convinced she cannot be loved, so what will Clarke do? And what would happen if Lexa finally decides she loves Clarke enough and trusts that Clarke loves her enough to get married?Basically, this is angsty, fluffy drama that's been stuck in my head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This has been stuck in my head forever, so I finally decided to get it out. There will be a part 2 finishing the story from Clarke's perspective at some point.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I am aware I have ignored my other fits. Let's just ignore that, shall we.

Lexa stared at her reflection in the full body mirror one last time, checking for any imperfections in her outfit and makeup, and doing everything she could to keep her mind off of what she was planning on doing at the dinner she had prepared for Clarke. But, if she was being perfectly honest with herself, she really wasn’t that nervous or concerned. She wasn’t freaking out. She just felt content, excited, and ready to ask Clarke something neither she nor Clarke had ever thought she would be ready to say to anyone. She never thought she would love someone so completely and trust that someone loved her back so fully and completely that she would be willing to take this step with them and to offer to tie themselves together for the rest of their lives in marriage. But here she was, with candles on the table, dinner in the oven, and a ring in her pocket – all for Clarke.

From an early age, Lexa had always been convinced that there was something wrong with her and that she was too difficult to love fully. As far as she was concerned, no one would ever want to or be able to fall in love with her and stay in love with her for the rest of their lives. She had decided long ago, after so many of the people she had loved in her life had left and solidified the idea in Lexa’s mind that she was impossible to love forever, that she would never marry because if she did, then the pain when they fell out of love with her would be so much worse. It would just be that much more difficult for them to leave her and she wanted them to just be able to leave her when they needed to so that she wasn’t making them unhappy any more than she already had. And yet somehow, slowly, Clarke had changed her belief. It had been a long and difficult journey getting to this point, but Clarke stayed with her, patiently and, yes, lovingly. And now Lexa felt ready. She was going to share that information with Clarke just before dropping to one knee and presenting the blonde with a ring Lexa sincerely hoped she would be allowed to slide onto Clarke’s finger and leave there forever. 

That thought alone made Lexa think back and realize how much she had changed in such a relatively short amount of time. It was only a little over five years ago that Lexa had completely given up searching for love of any kind. After the pain that Costia’s appearance and inevitable, yet still heartbreaking, disappearance had caused Lexa, she had completely shut herself off from any matters of the heart. She was convinced that she didn’t need love and could spend the rest of her life content in her loneliness--not that she would have ever admitted to being lonely.

And then Clarke had appeared. 

Or rather, Clarke had fallen into Lexa’s lap one day when Lexa had let her sister, Anya, drag her out to a local bar for a night of drinking and catch-up. One minute Lexa had been sitting on a bar stool listening to Anya give her the, ‘I just don’t want you to die alone,’ speech for the thousandth time, and the next she had a lap full of a curvy blonde with the bluest eyes and most infectious laugh Lexa had ever encountered. 

Everything else in the world had fallen away for Lexa in that moment. The general noise from the bar. Her sister’s angry snarling at the blonde to be more careful. Clarke’s drunken, giggly, slightly flirty apology and explanation about having had a few too many drinks and tripping over air. And even the constant stream of thoughts that usually filled her head, had all died down to silence as Lexa looked into Clarke’s eyes and fallen head over heels in Love with the girl at first sight.

She had tuned back into the world just in time to see the beautiful blue eyes of the blonde girl, name still unknown to her at the time, in front of her start to fill with tears at the fact that the girl whose lap she’d fallen into on ‘accident’ (Clarke would later reveal to Lexa that she had seen her from across the bar earlier in the night, fallen in love from a far, and decided to ‘accidently’ fall into Lexa’s lap as a way of getting close to her) was completely ignoring her despite the fact that Clarke was literally sitting in her lap with her arms wrapped around her, something Lexa had done out of reflex in an attempt to steady Clarke. 

Lexa doesn’t remember exactly how it went, but she somehow managed to get Clarke to calm down with a very smooth (not cheesy at all) line about getting lost in her blue eyes, which Clarke unashamedly ate up, and the two flirted for another several minutes, world completely forgotten, before Lexa eventually found herself sitting with the name ‘Clarke’ and a phone number scribbled on her hand in pen and a dumbfounded, annoyed, and amused Anya sitting next to her.

Of course, Lexa had obviously known she was a goner for Clarke from second one. She could barely even wait until the next morning before calling the girl and asking her out on their first date, after all. But that doesn’t mean she ever, for one second, believed that Clarke would fall in love with her. She fully expected Clarke to crush whatever remained of her heart and love. And, even if she allowed herself to entertain the idea that by some miracle Clarke did fall for her, Lexa would never even dream of kidding herself into believing that Clarke would stay in love with her forever. So, the idea that she would want to marry Clarke was the farthest thought from her mind.

That’s why she was completely unprepared for how to deal with the conversation the first time the topic of marriage was brought up in front of them. It was a few months into the relationship, before they’d even exchanged ‘I love yous,’ and they had been at Clarke’s friends’ apartment for the night, Raven and Octavia having invited them for a ‘girl’s night in’ double date. Lexa had met the two brunettes over a month ago and so she was just beginning to feel comfortable enough with them to agree to the date and show up ready to enjoy herself.

But then they were three glasses of wine in when the topic of marriage surfaced somehow in the group’s discussion and Lexa began to panic internally. They were only discussing what their dream weddings would look like, a normal enough activity for a group of young people to discuss, but considering the fact that they were all dating people in the room, the game felt much more important than it normally would. Especially when Octavia finished her description of an elaborate and large, white wedding and Raven had merely agreed with the one stipulation that she was the one who got to wear the suit.

So then, naturally, it was Clarke’s turn and Clarke had described the most beautiful, simple wedding Lexa had ever imagined. It was the kind of wedding little, innocent Lexa had always imagined for herself before all of the pain and the heartbreak she had endured resulted in her shutting down the idea in its entirety. And Lexa wanted nothing more than to be the person waiting at the alter for the Clarke in the vision. She wanted so badly to do what Raven had done and merely agree, shrug, and make a joke about not wanting to wear a tie, that when everyone turned to her to see what she would say or describe, she remained frozen for just a second or two too long and the other’s noticed. Before she could say anything, some unspoken communication seemed to pass between the other three women in the room and Raven and Octavia disappeared into the kitchen without a sound. 

Then, Lexa found herself alone with a concerned looking Clarke and nothing else to turn the conversation toward. Biting her lip in preparation for the fight and subsequent break-up that she was sure her next words would cause, as similar words had in her previous relationships, Lexa decided to just tell Clarke the truth, even if it did end with her leaving her. At least then, she reasoned, Clarke wouldn’t have to waste as much time with someone like Lexa who wouldn’t be IT for her in the long run. 

“I don’t ever want to get married. I stopped picturing my wedding long ago,” Lexa had whispered into the quiet space and to Clarke. She could barely look Clarke in the eye as she said it. She was afraid of seeing the anger that usually appeared there. But, to her surprise, Clarke barely reacted. 

Clarke’s eyes had merely narrowed slightly and hardened a bit, as if Clarke had been thinking hard about something before making a decision, and then she had laughed that amazing laugh of hers and said, “Fine, no marriage then. You’re still stuck with me.” Before patting Lexa on the shoulder, standing, and heading to the kitchen, leaving a confused, but incredibly in love and grateful Lexa to stare after her. 

And Clarke hadn’t even done the thing that everyone Lexa had ever told that to had done, which was ‘accept’ her position about marriage, but then continuously talk about her finding the one or realizing how foolish she was being someday and then actually get married. Instead, Clarke had acted completely normal and never brought it up again. 

When they had eventually exchanged ‘I love yous’ a few weeks later, it was actually Lexa who had initiated it by accident. The moment definitely could have gone better, although she now looks back at it and the following weeks with a kind of bittersweet fondness. They had been sitting on the couch in Lexa’s apartment, although Clarke was there so much it might as well have been her apartment as well, and had been simply watching some silly show on Netflix that Lexa was never really paying attention to. 

Instead, she was leaning against one of the armrests of the couch and her eyes were trained on Clarke, who was curled up against the armrest on the far edge of the couch, fully entranced by the images on the screen--laughing, gasping, and yelling at all of the appropriate moments. There was something so pure and beautiful about the scene – the way the light from the TV highlighted the strands of golden hair which had slipped out of her ponytail, the way she was wrapped snugly in the soft blanket, the flush of excitement that had been building on Clarke’s cheeks the more she got invested in whatever the plot of the show was – everything just fascinated Lexa. And the words just slipped out. 

The thing is, she had been saying ‘I love you so much, Clarke’ over and over again in her head practically ever since the day she had met the blonde. So, at first she didn’t even realize what she had said. 

The moment she did register the fact the words had slipped out was when Clarke stopped smiling for a moment and turned her face toward Lexa for half a second as if panicked or unsure of what to do. That split second sparked the largest internal freak out Lexa had ever experienced and it only worsened when Clarke slowly turned back to the TV, reached for the remote to turn off the show, and faced Lexa again. All throughout Clarke’s slow, calculated movements, Lexa was screaming at herself internally about how this was it, she would finally lose Clarke, she had asked for too much love for an unlovable person and now it would be over. When Clarke looked her in the eyes and said, “I love you too, Lexa,” in a solemn, serious tone that Lexa was sure meant Clarke didn’t really mean it and had to force herself to say it directly to her, something inside of Lexa seemed to break.

Sure that she had accidently forced Clarke to say something she did not and would never mean, Lexa immediately tried to backtrack or fix it or something, she’s never really been sure. “Oh, no, you don- you don’t have to do that, Clarke. It’s okay. I don’t expe- you don’t have to pretend. It’s okay. I understand,” she spit out in a rush. 

Clarke frowned and shifted closer to Lexa on the couch, who was curling into herself under the weight of her panic. Once their knees were touching, Clarke reached forward with a gentle hand and cupped Lexa’s face to coax the other girl into looking at her. When Lexa finally did manage gain the courage to look into Clarke’s eyes, she was shocked to actually see love and concern in those pools of blue. After a second of eye contact, Clarke whispered to her, “I love you, Lexa. I have loved you since the moment I first saw you. I know you don’t expect that and you don’t believe me yet, that’s why I waited for you to say it first, but I promise I love you and I plan on being with you forever or until you have decided you do not love me anymore. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

At first, while Clarke was speaking Lexa tried to interrupt and insist once again that Clarke didn’t need to feel obligated into saying anything back to her. But, when Clarke kept on talking, a sliver of hope actually started to work its way into her heart. The thought that Clarke might actually be telling her the truth that she actually loved her and, maybe, possibly, wanted to spend their lives together nearly broke her all over again. Tears started to roll down her face and she tried to suppress her body-racking sobs as Clarke finished up what she was saying by pulling Lexa into her chest and doing her best to comfort her as she cried. 

Eventually, after Lexa calmed down some, they talked about everything. Throughout the months they had been dating, Lexa had revealed some of the things from the past. But, she had always kept the majority of her painful past and views of herself and love to herself. As they sat curled on the couch that night, Lexa revealed everything else, hoping and praying that Clarke wouldn’t leave her or, maybe even worse, feel as if she had to stay with her forever now because of it. Clarke had held her as she cried more, often crying herself for most of the stories and explanations. Clarke also revealed many of the things about her own past that Lexa had yet to hear, all of which only served to make her fall in love with the blonde even more. By the end of the night, despite the fact that Lexa still couldn’t let herself fully believe that Clarke loved her, she had agreed to keep an open mind about it, which is more than she ever thought she would give another person.

The next several weeks were painful and awkward as Lexa tried to believe Clarke and Clarke tried to give her space to figure it out. All of which eventually caused another painful night of tears as Lexa had misinterpreted Clarke’s new hesitant behavior as a sign of an impending breakup and had started to do everything in her power to prevent that from happening. 

It all came to a peak one night when she offered to let Clarke to do whatever she wanted to her body because she had worked herself into the impression that the only reason Clarke was still sticking around was for the sex. It was a terrible night. Lexa had worn her sexiest outfit, but she still felt uncomfortable and insecure as she led Clarke to her bedroom after dinner. Clarke could obviously tell something was off, but she didn’t push Lexa for questions at first. It wasn’t until Lexa sat down on the bed and told Clarke she could do whatever she wanted in a voice that shook just a little too much to be considered sexy, that it all started falling apart. Clarke had immediately seen how desperate, scared, and emotional Lexa was and not reacted well. She hadn’t yelled, not really, but she did panic about what could have possibly caused Lexa to think this was something she needed to offer. And then she panicked about what she might have done with Lexa in the past that Lexa didn’t actually want, but let Clarke do because she held this belief that sex was the only reason Clarke was sticking around. Lexa, on the other hand, was convinced that Clarke’s reaction meant she could no longer interest Clarke for sex either. So, as Clarke panicked, Lexa sat on the bed and tried to prepare herself for the breakup she was convinced was coming. After that, well, let’s just say it took a lot more crying, talking, and an eventual agreement about how they should communicate in their relationship before either woman eventually calmed down. They didn’t get much sleep that night, but it wasn’t for the reason Lexa had been expecting.

Although awkward, drawn out, and painful, the experience did have the benefit of finally convincing Lexa that Clarke loved her, which she had hesitantly told a groggy Clarke the next morning. The blonde had smiled at her, fisted her hands in Lexa’s sleep shirt, and tucked her head under Lexa’s chin while mumbling, “And don’t you forget it,” before promptly falling back asleep, hands still tightly wound in the cotton material to ensure that Lexa would remain pressed against her as she slept.

Of course, while Lexa did now believe Clarke, this realization had the added downside of leaving Lexa with the belief that Clarke would get tired of loving her any day now. That childhood belief about being unable to be loved for long periods of time left her waiting for the day Clarke would grow tired of her. Every mistake she made, every fight they had, everything made Lexa wonder when it would be over. 

Which is why she was so surprised when Clarke asked her to move in together on their eight month anniversary. Of course she’d said yes. She didn’t even make a scene about how sure she was Clarke would leave her. At that point in time, Lexa had basically resigned herself to making Clarke as happy as possible for as long as she was allowed to be with her, soaking up all of the love and experiences she could, until the day Clarke finally left her. At least then Lexa would have good memories to look back on. She didn’t care how much it was going to completely destroy her.

So they’d found an apartment and moved in together. And it had been wonderful. They’d gotten a dog, at some point, and named him Bell (much to Bellamy’s frustration) and then Octavia and Raven had gotten married and moved into the apartment a few floors below them in the same building and everything had been great. They had been great. Hell, they were freaking sit-com wonderful.

And sure, at first they’d had their problems adjusting to living together. Sometimes, when Lexa’s head gets the better of her and her anxieties and fears make her close in on herself and distance herself from Clarke for a while, it can be difficult. The first time it had happened, only a month into living together, Lexa figured this would finally be Clarke’s last straw. It was one of the things her mind kept repeating to her over and over again as she sat alone in her office, avoiding going to bed where she knew Clarke was waiting for her, eventually just sleeping on the floor of her office so that she didn’t have to face her.

And then Clarke surprised her again.

It was a particularly bad night, Lexa had barely allowed herself to see or speak to Clarke all week and she was sitting in her office, staring mindlessly at her computer while her anxieties and fears screamed in her head, when the door clicked open quietly. Lexa didn’t say anything or move to acknowledge Clarke’s entrance. 

A few seconds later Lexa heard half a dozen soft footsteps as Clarke walked further into the room. The footsteps stopped just behind Lexa’s chair and then she heard a loud sigh. Her body tensed. Lexa was positive that if she turned around she would see Clarke dressed to leave with a suitcase in hand. So she didn’t turn around, too scared to face what she’d caused. 

A few seconds after that Clarke started walking again. She moved around the chair to Lexa’s side and put her hand on one of the armrests. Lexa was sure she was about to be shaken and yelled at, it had happened with other people when she’d shut them out like this, so she was completely caught off guard when Clarke moved to straddle her in the chair instead. Suddenly, Lexa’s lap was full of curvy blonde again - dressed in Lexa’s favorite pair of sweatpants and the grey tank top Lexa had slept in the night before, Lexa’s brain noted - and gentle, not angry hands were cupping her face, smoothing over her hair, and wrapping around the back of her neck as she was pulled into Clarke’s loving embrace. Lexa didn’t know what to do, she was so confused about what was going on she simply did nothing. 

Clarke spent several minutes just loving Lexa. She hugged her and caressed her face and tried to give her all of the affection she’d been unable to give her for the past several days. Lexa let her and tried to avoid reacting because she still wasn’t sure what was going on, so she was still half expecting her to start yelling and she didn’t want to fall into some sort of trap. But eventually Clarke started whispering to her while loving her. And she whispered how much she loved her no matter what, how she understood what was going on, how she would be waiting for Lexa when she worked herself through this, how she would be there to help with anything Lexa needed, and how Lexa didn’t need to talk or do anything she wasn’t ready for. When she was done, Lexa was crying softly, although she still hadn’t said anything or done much other than nuzzle into the loving touches she had deprived herself of for so long. 

Clarke left her alone in her office not long after that with assurances that she would be waiting for her in bed whenever she was ready. About an hour later, a shaky Lexa had crawled under the covers of their bed where she was pulled into the arms of a warm, loving, ecstatic Clarke. 

Every time Lexa shut down after that became shorter and shorter. Clarke slowly learned how to reassure her and help her work through the demons fighting in Lexa’s head. And all of Lexa’s fears, insecurities, and doubt slowly began to melt under the love and care of Clarke Griffin. They didn't go away, of course that's not how that works, but they lessened to the point where she actually felt ready to take that next step. She actually wanted to marry that girl. This was it, the thing she had spent her entire life decidedly not waiting for.

Shaking her head at herself in the mirror, Lexa broke herself out of her thoughts and refocused on the task at hand. Glancing over her appearance one more time and then moving into the kitchen, Lexa put the finishing touches on their dinner. It was Clarke’s favorite.

Then, she led Bell out to their balcony, which they had completely fenced in and set up as a kennel for him to stay in while they were gone, (Clarke’s idea after they’d come home to one too many bathroom accidents in the months just after getting him), so that he would be out of the way for the evening. It was a warm, beautiful night and Lexa paused for a few minutes to stare at the fading sunset before turning and rushing back inside to finish everything else. Clarke had promised to be home in about 30 minutes and she wanted everything to be perfect.

It had been a rough month. Clarke was launching her first gallery and so she’d been stressed and spending longer and longer hours at work, sometimes not coming home until the early hours of the morning. And she’d been distracted and slightly distant, which would have panicked Lexa in the past. But, Lexa was confident that Clarke still loved her and she understood the stress she was under. And yet, despite the stress, as soon as Lexa had asked, Clarke promised to drop everything and come home early for a dinner together. So Lexa was confident and happy and ready and totally not stressing at all.

At least, she wasn’t stressed until she looked up from lighting the last candle in the dining room and realized Clarke was five minutes late. But, she talked herself out of it. Five minutes was nothing, it was fine, and she assured herself Clarke would be home soon.

An hour after that found Lexa still sitting at the table alone, staring at her phone and praying that Clarke would answer one of her dozen texts and phone calls, seriously worried about what might have happened to the woman. 

Two hours after that found Lexa pacing the room after having just hung up with Octavia yet again. Even though Octavia and Raven were on vacation in Europe, Lexa had now called the two several times in hopes they’d heard from Clarke. No such luck. Lexa stared at the dining room table again. She’d long since blown out the candles and hastily put their food in the fridge without even bothering to wrap it. She didn’t care about their dinner anymore. She didn’t care about her ruined plans. All she cared about was figuring out where Clarke was and whether or not she was okay.

Clarke still hadn’t answered her texts. She was five hours late. Lexa had called everyone they knew and had even driven by the gallery in search of the woman, but she still couldn’t find her. She didn’t know what to do. She was back in the apartment, sitting at the kitchen counter with her head in her hands when the front door opened and Lexa sprinted to it. A very clearly drunk Clarke stumbled into the room giggling softly to herself and Lexa could finally breath again. 

But then, Clarke paused in the hallway when she saw Lexa and frowned. “What?!” Clarke snapped at her. “Why are you so dressed up? What do you want?”

And Lexa felt her heart freeze over. “We-we had dinner plans. You were, you were supposed to be home. I was worried, you weren’t at the gallery and you didn’t answer my texts or calls.” Lexa said in a soft, hesitant voice. She’d never seen Clarke act like this and it scared her. 

Lexa watched in shock as Clarke seemed to flush with anger. “What are you trying to say, Lexa!” Clarke snapped again. “I forgot, okay. My agent wanted me to go have a few drinks with some important art critics and I didn’t think you’d mind. And I didn’t want to be seen texting my clingy girlfriend back the whole time. Geeze. Just give me some space.” Clarke pushed past Lexa into the dining room and kitchen area before freezing again. “What the hell is this?” She asked as she turned to face Lexa again. 

There was a look on her face Lexa had never seen before and she was suddenly more scared than ever. She gripped the ring box in her pocket tightly, the words ‘clingy girlfriend’ still ringing in her ears, and whispered, “I’d made us dinner. I-I-” Lexa sighed, “it was supposed to be special.”

Clarke flushed again. “Gee, thanks for the guilt trip. I told you, I forgot, okay. Seriously, Lexa, I just can’t-I can’t-with you-God. I just can’t do this anymore,” she said as she stumbled drunkenly a bit. “I can’t do this, Lexa. I’m going to go sleep at Octavia and Raven’s place. I’ll be back in the morning. Don’t-just don’t-” Clarke paused slightly. “I just can’t look at you, Lexa,” she sighed while looking around the room once more before pushing past Lexa in the hallway and slipping out the door again.

Lexa stood frozen. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She couldn’t understand what she’d done wrong. She couldn’t face it. So she stood frozen for over an hour, replaying the conversation in her head over and over again until it finally sunk in. Clarke was done with her. It had finally happened. Clarke was done with her and she’d be back in the morning and she didn’t want to see Lexa. She couldn’t even look at her anymore and she wanted her gone. Lexa collapsed to the floor and cried for another hour, lamenting the timing of it all and cursing herself for not having seen the signs. For having been so oblivious to the fact that she had finally used up all of Clarke’s love as well. For getting her hopes up. 

And then Lexa accepted it. She knew it was coming, after all, since the beginning. And just because she’d managed to delude herself into thinking it wasn’t coming for a bit, doesn’t change the fact that she has always known she was unlovable. So, she stood up, let Bell back inside, and started getting ready to leave, like Clarke had asked. 

It took her most of the night, not that she would have been able to sleep anyway, for her to pack up most of her stuff. There was a lot of stuff she wasn’t sure if she should take. Gifts, things they’d gotten together, that kind of thing, so she left those. She didn’t need the reminder anyway. Then, first thing in the morning, she called Anya.

“Did you finally just surface from your ‘engagement celebration sex marathon’ to call me, or what? I’ve been waiting,” Anya said when she answered the phone instead of a greeting. 

When all Lexa did in reply was start sobbing heavily into the phone Anya gasped harshly. “Oh my god, she said no! Lexa, I am so sorry. Do you need anything? How can I help?”

After a few minutes, Lexa finally managed to stutter out what had actually happened, ending with how Clarke had kicked her out and then asking if she could come and stay at Anya’s for a few days until she got her feet under her again and found a new apartment. 

Anya had agreed, of course she had, and offered to come pick Lexa up. But, Lexa told her she needed to go tell Clarke she was leaving because she hadn’t answered her text when she told Clarke that she would be leaving and that Bell would be locked on the balcony. She wanted to make sure Clarke came home sometime soon to get Bell so that he would be alright. So, after hanging up with Anya, she texted Clarke one more time and when she still hadn’t gotten a reply after ten more minutes, she grabbed one of her duffels, leaving the rest of her things in a pile in the living room for her to pick up later with Anya’s car, and headed out of the door.

Octavia and Raven’s apartment may have been only a few floors below theirs, but the elevator ride felt like an eternity for Lexa. Then, the walk from the hallway to their front door seemed to triple in length. Lexa hadn’t changed and the ring still in her pocket felt like a thousand pound weight dragging her down the entire way, but eventually she made it. She was shaking when she knocked on the door, unsure of what to expect. 

Her heart clenched painfully in her chest when Clarke answered the door looking rested, freshly showered, happy, and so, so beautiful. When Clarke first opened the door, she was smiling, clearly happy to greet whoever this morning visitor was. But, as soon as she saw Lexa, her smile fell away and Lexa couldn’t look at her anymore, it hurt too much to know she’d managed to make this beautiful, loving, warm woman react that way toward her. She couldn't believe she'd missed the signs and let it get to this point. She couldn't understand how she'd deluded herself so much that she'd actually thought Clarke would want to marry her, all while Clarke had been tiring of her and pulling away.

“Lexa, what-” Clarke started to say, but Lexa didn’t, couldn’t, let her finish.

Instead, Lexa cut in, gaze firmly locked on the doorframe to Clarke’s left so that she didn’t have to look her in the eye, and started speaking as fast as she could. “I’m sorry. I know you said you didn’t want to see me, but you didn’t reply to my texts and I wanted to make sure you knew that I had left like you asked because I left Bell on the balcony and I don’t want him to have to stay out there too long and I wasn’t sure how long you would stay here today if you didn’t know that I was gone. So, don’t worry, I’ve got all of my stuff packed up and you can go through it all if you want to make sure I didn’t take anything you wanted and you can tell me to come pick it up whenever works best for you. Anya said I can keep it at her place until I find myself an apartment. And you get the apartment and Bell, of course, just let me know when to come get my stuff. And you don’t even have to be there when I come get it, if you don’t want to see me, I can slide my key back through the mail slot when I'm done if that is better for you. Again, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that was all I wanted to tell you. I’m going to get out of you way now.” Lexa was shaking even harder than before as she finished up her speech and was just turning to leave when she felt a warm hand grab her by the bicep. Lexa closed her eyes, she couldn’t look at Clarke, she couldn’t face more of this.

After a moment, Lexa heard Clarke attempt to say something a few times before audibly closing her mouth. Then, instead of speaking, she stepped forward, used the hand not holding onto her bicep to grab Lexa gently behind the neck, and kissed her. It was a long, slow, sensual kiss that Lexa couldn’t help but melt into despite the pain. If this was what Clarke wanted from her, one last kiss, she could give her that. It was the least she could do after holding Clarke back for so long. When the kiss eventually ended and she felt Clarke pull back slowly, Lexa was shaking as though she might fall apart and tears had finally begun to trail down her cheeks again.

“Right, had to do the last kiss, of course,” Lexa mumbled out in a hurry. “I'll get out of your way, now,” she finished quietly as she tried to gently pull away from Clarke's grip on her arm and neck. 

Clarke refused to let go. Lexa frowned and risked a glance back at Clarke's face. She was shaking her head softly and she had her mouth slightly open as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. At the same time, there was a desperate sort of determination in Clarke's eyes that had Lexa completely confused. 

“Clarke…?” Lexa asked hesitantly. She tried to pull away with a little more force this time, but Clarke held firm and only seemed to shake her head a little bit faster. 

Then, another second passed and Clarke's head stopped shaking as she suddenly seemed to come to a decision. The next thing Lexa knew she was being pulled back in for another, much longer and hotter kiss. It took her brain a moment to catch up, it was so busy screaming at her how right the kiss was and how dumb she was to be willingly leaving, but once it did she realized what Clarke seemed to want. Clarke wanted breakup sex. Clarke wanted breakup sex and Lexa wasn't sure if she could give that to her. It would probably kill her. Of course, Lexa was going to do everything in her power to give it to her anyway. She owed it to her, she thought.

While trying to keep up with the kiss, Lexa dropped her duffel next to the door and slowly reached her hands out to grab Clarke by the waist. She tried ignoring the almost violent tremble in her fingers as she spread them over the lush curve of the hips she loved so much and almost succeeded when Clarke responded enthusiastically to her actions. But, as she ran a hand under her shirt and up Clarke's back and started trying to push Clarke backwards into the apartment, the true reality of what was about to happen came crashing down on her. Briefly, as Clarke's hands stroked through her hair and down her front while she sucked Lexa’s lower lip into her mouth, Lexa let herself picture it. Maybe they'd make it to the wall in the hallway. Maybe all the way to the couch. But eventually they'd end up mostly stripped and then they'd fuck each other quickly, roughly. There'd be no love in the action she'd spent the last few years thinking of as her one true escape, one true shelter and home. Then, when Clarke was satisfied, Lexa pictured herself sobbing quietly and trying to hide it as she looked around for her clothes so that she could get dressed and finally leave. She imagined the look of pity and anger on Clarke's face as she did so. She imagined it all and suddenly she couldn't do it, she couldn't put herself through it, not even for Clarke.

With her realization, Lexa stopped responding to the kiss. Clarke took this as an opportunity to start trailing kisses and nips down Lexa’s neck, which normally would have had Lexa melting into a puddle. This time it only seemed to increase her desperation. She started to sob again and through her sobs she called out hoarsely, “Clarke, stop, please, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't give you one last time. I'm sorry. It's too much. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Please.” Lexa broke off into nothing but sobs, hardly noticing the fact that Clarke had stopped kissing her as soon as she had even begun sobbing, let alone speaking. Lexa was too lost in her own misery to fully understand that Clarke was now holding her to her chest and muttering comforting words as she led her over to the couch. All Lexa could think about was the fact that they were heading to the couch. She kept picturing that scenario over and over again in her mind. She couldn't do it. She cried harder.

Clarke finally got her seated on the couch, her attempts to calm Lexa down still going completely unnoticed as Lexa started begging softly again and apologizing that she couldn't do it. Clarke kept hushing her and holding her and telling her it was okay over and over again until Lexa finally cried herself into an exhausted sleep on Clarke's chest.

Once Lexa was finally asleep, Clarke simply laid under her, still stroking her back and head lovingly, as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on.


End file.
